Sirah Thinks I'm Cute

All the mess


Life is a gift. I believe that to the core of my being, a painful, joyous, mysterious adventure that begs to be lived. Sometimes people show up in our lives who transform what it means to be alive. My friend Tom was one of those people. The minute I met him I could feel my life shifting underneath me in time with his footsteps. We shared a mutual love of Dipset, Taking Back Sunday and ICP. We ate breakfast burrito’s (only past 11pm) weekly at a Korean Diner down the block from my house as our money funded new pleather seats and freshly printed menu’s. We made music in my room where you could hear us bicker over garageband recordings. We shared our success’, our failures, our general malaise and our early 20’s. We watched each other grow up, get jobs, career’s, relationships, apartments, tattoo’s, and bad haircuts. Grammy week of last year Tom was my date to all the parties, he bought me a bag of sour gummy worms to celebrate and we walked in tow towards a party at Paramount. He held my purse as I entered my first awkward red carpet experience, bombarded my interviews pretending to be my hype man, even though in real life he’s always been that for me. Later that night he texted me, “ Hey I got home safe! You’ve come so goddamn far since Ive met you. Set aside the career stuff for like a second and take a step back. You were so sad when I met you, you didn’t even know if you should keep playing music. Now your a stronger more confidant person. You saved my life and I love you. Don’t let the opinions of a few lead you into self doubt. I want you to be huge but in all Honesty all this hype and excitement is not what’s important!!! Please email me Icarus!!!” Tom passed away June 20th 2013 of an overdose. Sometimes when people leave your lives they transform what it means to be alive. I haven’t been able to talk about him much. I spent the month after he passed alone in silence and then went straight on tour with Icona Pop, followed that up with a Twenty One Pilots tour and finished again with an Icona Pop Tour. I feel him in everything I do and everything I am. Like a shadow, like a searing pain, like joy, I see him in all of everything. This video ‘First Impressions’ began with an idea I had. Jam, Tom and myself sat in my living room as I told them to listen to the song and write down what they saw. I inevitably won, Tom’s idea was a prostitute in South Central has a kid and the cycle continues, to know Tom would mean you could put that into context; he dreamed big and wide. I found a 17 year old videographer on craigslist named Steven Ray and sent off an email. Jam, my other best friend had to go to Steven’s house and meet his mom so he could get permission to leave school. I called my good friend Karl, an actor (for real) and he was in. Me, Tom and Jam had a slumber party consisting of Nintendo and video preparations and we all set off to Lancaster the next morning at five a.m. We shot for 18 hrs and what you’re about to watch is what we edited for 5 days in my kitchen. This is the last time I really spent with Tom and although you don’t see his face in this video his heart and soul survive through it. Death is inevitable but art is eternal. This video had been too hard for me to watch but I know that this is something me and my friends made together. I want to share with people what we made, what he helped make so that his memory doesn’t die with his friends and family, so he lingers on in some of your minds.